21 February 2008
09 February 2008
The Lonely Soul In a Misunderstanding and Never-Understanding World
I have being patient all this while... being patient to everything that has occured on me. It's because I know that this is not my world but everyone's world.
But tonight is when I've to confess to everyone that I've had enough... enough of all the misunderstandings taking place all around me especially the unreasonable scoldings I've always been receiving from my mother all this while.
We were only making on our way to Bedok's Corner when my mother spoke harshly to me about reading books while walking. I know it was only a small matter but couldn't she speak more nicely? Yes, I know all of you out there will think of me as someone who complain about especially some who think of me "tak boleh kene siket" (and these group of words have a broad meaning; cannot be joked about or spoke harshly at).
You'll never understand me and will continue to think of me like what I said above because you've never even spare a thought to why people like me behave in such a manner.
You despise the helpless ones out there and even give bad names to people who are suffering from senility WITHOUT even asking yourself what cause them to be that way! And you even have the courage to despise and make wrong judgements of them further.
I don't know why... At times, I am always scolded unreasonably at home. I, just like many of you out there, am stressed of having lots of thoughts in my mind and workloads to be done. Sometimes, I was scolded when I just got home from -anywhere! I was like "I just came back, tired of what I'd done outside! Can't you give me a break?"
Honestly, my mom and I had two rows of arguments tonight -one was on the way for a family dinner while the other during the dinner itself. They were just trivia but come to think about it, I'd always been the victim of them!
Like I said, I'm always scolded reasonably and when I answered back (although I confessed that I was harsh too but -hey, why must she spoke to me in a harsh voice without even speaking to me nicely? That would make me sit down and listen to her melodious voice!), she would throw these words:
"Eh! Jawab baik-baik!" that's what she retorted, if I could remember correctly. In English, the dialogue means; reply (or speak) nicely.
I would then reply; "You always spoke harshly!" and I'm not going to give an exact Malay translation in hopes of not getting involved in Fitnah (making accusations).
What's next was, she would often say; "Does that mean you've to speak harshly as well?" And honestly, she would often add "An insolent child!" and that part obviously means well "Anak kurang-ajar!" in Malay.
I just can't take it anymore! I didn't mean to scold anyone but I always ask myself this; how can I be a good child when my mother, the one whom I sympathise of the sufferings she's in through from years of migraine, did not show me a good example?
I know that she's been giving all the provisions I need... But as a child, I need more than that... I need a role model to show good examples... I've been wondering... Am I being too patient because my father is one?
Really, every night, my heart saddens while busy with my laptop (and she's on the dinner table) when I heard her cried: "Sakitnye kepale ni... Bile lah nak baik..." (My head is so painful... When will this end...).
Every night, I watch her taking the same pills over again and again in hopes of obliterating the agony she's been suffering from migraine all these years. As I watch, my heart gains more sympathy towards the dear woman who gave birth to me. I grow more grateful to all the sacrifices she's made for me that I'd even started washing most of the plates and cups almost every night before I go to bed to ease her burden a little.
But just imagine if you, putting yourself in my shoes, being falsely accused and scolded unreasonably at times -I've bore patience for quite some time... towards my family... towards the world... towards the realisations I've learnt from this beautiful-but-ugly world!
I wondered what makes my brother often says to my mother that she'll never understand him and I've finally found the reason why -because she's never been understanding! You never know -my brother too has personal problems and I desire not to share with anyone about as I do have a deep concealed dignity for him. And now... I'm just facing the same situations as he'd ever done. My brother is an adult of early 30s, if I'm not mistaken... He's working just like any other adults of his age. SO, don't think that his problems are/were as trivia as yours especially the teenagers out there.
I'm really sincere in loving this world and even as I speak, no one will EVER understand me! Among you, there will be people who will say about me; "Si dia ni berbual 'world'" or "macam paham aje"
In translation: "He speaks as if he's clever" and "as if he understands"
Weeks ago or even a month ago, if my calculations do not fail me, a friend whom I've only found out she's my distant relative told me this:
"ure doing something good n nice n u tell ppl abt it
"isnt it the same as.. boast? bangga diri?
"actions speaks louder my dear
"u dont have to tell just do ppl will know"
But if any of you realise, there are at times whereby sincerity is inexpressible that even if you display it, others may have a wrong perspective of you... They, the people of the world, won't just understand you!
I want to love my mother as someone who's ever suffered for 9 months of bearing me in her womb, who's breastfed me, who's cooked most of my favourite dishes daily and everything else that a lovely mother has sacrificed for her child.
But she just won't understand... Scolding me, accusing me unreasonably even outside! I know that some of you out there hate me and even worst, don't even bother about correcting my mistakes, claiming that "you should follow your heart" (do villains follow their hearts to find out if they are in the wrong? Do unknowledgeable people like me know what's my mistakes? If I do, I would have discovered the piles of sins I've committed a few seconds ago!).
You know what? Everytime I replied or spoke harshly back to my mother, a deep remorse would linger within me. But nobody sees it saved Allah! In my prayers, I would pray for my parents. But nobody sees me! When I led a congregational prayer, I've never recited prayers for them unless I'm on my own!
I wept... I cried... in seeking forgiveness from the One who is Oft-Forgiving... but nobody realises it because I'm ALL alone in my room! I even hide away my tears from everyone, possibly because they won't understand me or I don't want to burden them. I skipped Silat training at times just because to avoid my mother's nag about attending for it (possibly because I'd skipped the weekly lessons of recitation of Quran in the past).
There was once she ran amok.. I wept and only my brother understood me of my burdens for school moreover I am now a tertiary student. That was on the day when I first bought my first hard disk.
What makes me think alot... This world as it is... Full of sins it has been... Dirted by the hands of we, humans, it has been... Aged people or "worthless ones" such as the beggars are lay forlorn in the streets...
It's because of my observations about this world that renders me lots of thoughts... I've always want to learn about the purpose of my existence and Islam has led me to all this through the world. It's hard for me to explain everything as my life is truly complicated...
I've my destiny. At the same time, I've my ambitions. Yet, I've less clues in how to fulfill them both being lost in both worlds of Destiny and Freedom. I want my freedom... yet I just couldn't! I envy of people outside there who roam about their freedom WITHOUT even sparing a thought of the unfortunate ones... without even thinking about their future... without even knowing if what they are doing is right or wrong as they lead a life similitude to animals; living just to survive by all means without even embroiding it meaningfully.
I know that there are people out there who have undergone worst than in my state and that's why I want to help them! I don't know... but I guess I'm created for this purpose... This is my existence... I've sinned throughout my life... I want to repent... I don't know if my sins have been forgiven and that's why I'm doing all this! At the same time, it's human nature to help others...
NO! I'm a good person AT ALL! I'm a bad one! I've hurt the feelings of the girl whom I've falling in love with all this while... For time she's beein avoiding me and the fact that she's graduated from my tertiary now renders me into a life of gloom. I've my parents feelings... I feel as though it'd best to leave everyone so that no one would be at harm...
I just do whatever I could... to help others... to fulfil my destiny and turn my dreams into reality...
I don't want attention...
I don't need compliments and flatteries...
I don't want people to help me as I know they're all busy with their own lives...
I don't need or want people to create a memorial or write an epitath on my tombstone...
I don't want to be glorified...
I don't want people to know I really am... To those who think of me as immatured, I would like to thank you as I've succeeded in concealing my true identity...
I just want people to understand me of all the pain I've been through...
But as I say so... nobody would... because after all... the one who face all these troubles is me... not you or any of those who know me...
I love Allah... But I don't want to love my mother just because of Him -I want to love her and the rest of the world as my sense of gratitude to what I've been flourished with...
I love this world... and that's why I want to help you out there especially my Muslim friends who have not started even to be obliged by the Commandments of Allah... Come to thin about them, I'm of no different from them. No -I'm EVEN WORST than them! While I've knowledge about religion, I do still commit sins... How different am I to them, who do not even know anything? It is an irony if you can think of a someone who has knowledge but doesn't imply what he's learnt compared to those who don't have any...
I love everyone in this world... Whenever I want to hate someone, I am forced to like that person... I don't know why... I don't even understand why... Or rather, I don't even understand why I restraint my hatred from spreading like worms in computers or viruses... Whether is it because of the kind treatments given by the beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) on a particular Jew despite hurting him so much, I don't know...
I care for everyone... And I don't want to share my problems with anyone at all...
I can't hate anyone... not to mention despising as well... If I do, then I am of no different -or EVEN WORST- than a madman running down the street. While he is senile, wandering about without any conscience, I am here being sinful when my mind is clear and full of conscience...
I don't need any sympathy... I just need understanding...
I don't need an eptipath or praises...
I don't need happiness or enjoyment, for they lie in the result of me succeeding in helping others and pleasing my Lord.
I don't need people to thank me... for I'm just fulfilling my destiny as who I am...
Let me help you when you're in need... Understand me when you are given the chance to do so... Pray for my happiness in this world and the Hereafter when you've the chance to do so...
Blame me not but guide me to right path with every sin and mistake committed by me...
Let me love with you with all my heart despite whoever you are...
Please... let me understand you... all of you...
I don't care whoever or wherever you are... just let me love you...
Should any of you witness my death, burn my corpse into ashes and cast half of the amount onto the sea and the other half onto the land. Verily, I'm ashamed of confronting Allah of all the sins I've done in this world...
But tonight is when I've to confess to everyone that I've had enough... enough of all the misunderstandings taking place all around me especially the unreasonable scoldings I've always been receiving from my mother all this while.
We were only making on our way to Bedok's Corner when my mother spoke harshly to me about reading books while walking. I know it was only a small matter but couldn't she speak more nicely? Yes, I know all of you out there will think of me as someone who complain about especially some who think of me "tak boleh kene siket" (and these group of words have a broad meaning; cannot be joked about or spoke harshly at).
You'll never understand me and will continue to think of me like what I said above because you've never even spare a thought to why people like me behave in such a manner.
You despise the helpless ones out there and even give bad names to people who are suffering from senility WITHOUT even asking yourself what cause them to be that way! And you even have the courage to despise and make wrong judgements of them further.
I don't know why... At times, I am always scolded unreasonably at home. I, just like many of you out there, am stressed of having lots of thoughts in my mind and workloads to be done. Sometimes, I was scolded when I just got home from -anywhere! I was like "I just came back, tired of what I'd done outside! Can't you give me a break?"
Honestly, my mom and I had two rows of arguments tonight -one was on the way for a family dinner while the other during the dinner itself. They were just trivia but come to think about it, I'd always been the victim of them!
Like I said, I'm always scolded reasonably and when I answered back (although I confessed that I was harsh too but -hey, why must she spoke to me in a harsh voice without even speaking to me nicely? That would make me sit down and listen to her melodious voice!), she would throw these words:
"Eh! Jawab baik-baik!" that's what she retorted, if I could remember correctly. In English, the dialogue means; reply (or speak) nicely.
I would then reply; "You always spoke harshly!" and I'm not going to give an exact Malay translation in hopes of not getting involved in Fitnah (making accusations).
What's next was, she would often say; "Does that mean you've to speak harshly as well?" And honestly, she would often add "An insolent child!" and that part obviously means well "Anak kurang-ajar!" in Malay.
I just can't take it anymore! I didn't mean to scold anyone but I always ask myself this; how can I be a good child when my mother, the one whom I sympathise of the sufferings she's in through from years of migraine, did not show me a good example?
I know that she's been giving all the provisions I need... But as a child, I need more than that... I need a role model to show good examples... I've been wondering... Am I being too patient because my father is one?
Really, every night, my heart saddens while busy with my laptop (and she's on the dinner table) when I heard her cried: "Sakitnye kepale ni... Bile lah nak baik..." (My head is so painful... When will this end...).
Every night, I watch her taking the same pills over again and again in hopes of obliterating the agony she's been suffering from migraine all these years. As I watch, my heart gains more sympathy towards the dear woman who gave birth to me. I grow more grateful to all the sacrifices she's made for me that I'd even started washing most of the plates and cups almost every night before I go to bed to ease her burden a little.
But just imagine if you, putting yourself in my shoes, being falsely accused and scolded unreasonably at times -I've bore patience for quite some time... towards my family... towards the world... towards the realisations I've learnt from this beautiful-but-ugly world!
I wondered what makes my brother often says to my mother that she'll never understand him and I've finally found the reason why -because she's never been understanding! You never know -my brother too has personal problems and I desire not to share with anyone about as I do have a deep concealed dignity for him. And now... I'm just facing the same situations as he'd ever done. My brother is an adult of early 30s, if I'm not mistaken... He's working just like any other adults of his age. SO, don't think that his problems are/were as trivia as yours especially the teenagers out there.
I'm really sincere in loving this world and even as I speak, no one will EVER understand me! Among you, there will be people who will say about me; "Si dia ni berbual 'world'" or "macam paham aje"
In translation: "He speaks as if he's clever" and "as if he understands"
Weeks ago or even a month ago, if my calculations do not fail me, a friend whom I've only found out she's my distant relative told me this:
"ure doing something good n nice n u tell ppl abt it
"isnt it the same as.. boast? bangga diri?
"actions speaks louder my dear
"u dont have to tell just do ppl will know"
But if any of you realise, there are at times whereby sincerity is inexpressible that even if you display it, others may have a wrong perspective of you... They, the people of the world, won't just understand you!
I want to love my mother as someone who's ever suffered for 9 months of bearing me in her womb, who's breastfed me, who's cooked most of my favourite dishes daily and everything else that a lovely mother has sacrificed for her child.
But she just won't understand... Scolding me, accusing me unreasonably even outside! I know that some of you out there hate me and even worst, don't even bother about correcting my mistakes, claiming that "you should follow your heart" (do villains follow their hearts to find out if they are in the wrong? Do unknowledgeable people like me know what's my mistakes? If I do, I would have discovered the piles of sins I've committed a few seconds ago!).
You know what? Everytime I replied or spoke harshly back to my mother, a deep remorse would linger within me. But nobody sees it saved Allah! In my prayers, I would pray for my parents. But nobody sees me! When I led a congregational prayer, I've never recited prayers for them unless I'm on my own!
I wept... I cried... in seeking forgiveness from the One who is Oft-Forgiving... but nobody realises it because I'm ALL alone in my room! I even hide away my tears from everyone, possibly because they won't understand me or I don't want to burden them. I skipped Silat training at times just because to avoid my mother's nag about attending for it (possibly because I'd skipped the weekly lessons of recitation of Quran in the past).
There was once she ran amok.. I wept and only my brother understood me of my burdens for school moreover I am now a tertiary student. That was on the day when I first bought my first hard disk.
What makes me think alot... This world as it is... Full of sins it has been... Dirted by the hands of we, humans, it has been... Aged people or "worthless ones" such as the beggars are lay forlorn in the streets...
It's because of my observations about this world that renders me lots of thoughts... I've always want to learn about the purpose of my existence and Islam has led me to all this through the world. It's hard for me to explain everything as my life is truly complicated...
I've my destiny. At the same time, I've my ambitions. Yet, I've less clues in how to fulfill them both being lost in both worlds of Destiny and Freedom. I want my freedom... yet I just couldn't! I envy of people outside there who roam about their freedom WITHOUT even sparing a thought of the unfortunate ones... without even thinking about their future... without even knowing if what they are doing is right or wrong as they lead a life similitude to animals; living just to survive by all means without even embroiding it meaningfully.
I know that there are people out there who have undergone worst than in my state and that's why I want to help them! I don't know... but I guess I'm created for this purpose... This is my existence... I've sinned throughout my life... I want to repent... I don't know if my sins have been forgiven and that's why I'm doing all this! At the same time, it's human nature to help others...
NO! I'm a good person AT ALL! I'm a bad one! I've hurt the feelings of the girl whom I've falling in love with all this while... For time she's beein avoiding me and the fact that she's graduated from my tertiary now renders me into a life of gloom. I've my parents feelings... I feel as though it'd best to leave everyone so that no one would be at harm...
I just do whatever I could... to help others... to fulfil my destiny and turn my dreams into reality...
I don't want attention...
I don't need compliments and flatteries...
I don't want people to help me as I know they're all busy with their own lives...
I don't need or want people to create a memorial or write an epitath on my tombstone...
I don't want to be glorified...
I don't want people to know I really am... To those who think of me as immatured, I would like to thank you as I've succeeded in concealing my true identity...
I just want people to understand me of all the pain I've been through...
But as I say so... nobody would... because after all... the one who face all these troubles is me... not you or any of those who know me...
I love Allah... But I don't want to love my mother just because of Him -I want to love her and the rest of the world as my sense of gratitude to what I've been flourished with...
I love this world... and that's why I want to help you out there especially my Muslim friends who have not started even to be obliged by the Commandments of Allah... Come to thin about them, I'm of no different from them. No -I'm EVEN WORST than them! While I've knowledge about religion, I do still commit sins... How different am I to them, who do not even know anything? It is an irony if you can think of a someone who has knowledge but doesn't imply what he's learnt compared to those who don't have any...
I love everyone in this world... Whenever I want to hate someone, I am forced to like that person... I don't know why... I don't even understand why... Or rather, I don't even understand why I restraint my hatred from spreading like worms in computers or viruses... Whether is it because of the kind treatments given by the beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) on a particular Jew despite hurting him so much, I don't know...
I care for everyone... And I don't want to share my problems with anyone at all...
I can't hate anyone... not to mention despising as well... If I do, then I am of no different -or EVEN WORST- than a madman running down the street. While he is senile, wandering about without any conscience, I am here being sinful when my mind is clear and full of conscience...
I don't need any sympathy... I just need understanding...
I don't need an eptipath or praises...
I don't need happiness or enjoyment, for they lie in the result of me succeeding in helping others and pleasing my Lord.
I don't need people to thank me... for I'm just fulfilling my destiny as who I am...
Let me help you when you're in need... Understand me when you are given the chance to do so... Pray for my happiness in this world and the Hereafter when you've the chance to do so...
Blame me not but guide me to right path with every sin and mistake committed by me...
Let me love with you with all my heart despite whoever you are...
Please... let me understand you... all of you...
I don't care whoever or wherever you are... just let me love you...
Should any of you witness my death, burn my corpse into ashes and cast half of the amount onto the sea and the other half onto the land. Verily, I'm ashamed of confronting Allah of all the sins I've done in this world...
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